Steve Beard has written for many magazines. Digital Leatherette is now available as a Codex Books B format paperback; 288 pgs, £8.95.

Digital Leatherette - Elvis

 Digital Leatherette is a London science fiction novel featuring the Rave at the End of the World in Battersea Power Station, UFOs over Heathrow, street riots sponsored by fashion designers, MI6 agents running their own reality cop shows, a stock market crash triggered by a star in the sky, a dangerous new drug called Starflower and barcode tattoos. An ethno-techno cyberpunk novel about sex, drugs and drum’n’bass, consisting of text fragments pulled down from invented internet web-sites by an imaginary intelligence agent.

Digital Leatherette will be published this September by Codex Books. A Codex catalogue is available from them at Codex Books, PO Box 148, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 3DQ, UK. Do enclose return postage (IRCs, or an sae).

from: <aaa.schizo.sphere>

to: <ansa/angel>

date: 22.11.2012

time: 03.05 GMT

subject: access protocol: ident:user

A> U R at the Thresh0ld ov the AAA Schiz0sphere. Your signal iz being monitored. Do U wish 2 engage with Subroutine: VIRTUAL PHRISK? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Please enter your AvAtAr Designation.

B> Basquiat.

A> Please enter your AvAtAr Designation in Totemick Skript.

B> *!&(-I---<

A> Please specify the difference between Basquiat and *!&(-I---<

B> There is no difference.

A> Waiting…

B> One is a name and the other a signature.

A> Waiting…

B> 2 characters.

A> Check. Basquiat-< haz been classified az your AvAtAr Designation. Do U wish 2 continue with Subroutine: VIRTUAL PHRISK? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Please specify the bodyz which occupy your AvAtAr.

B> Just me and my demon. Is there some kind of limit?

A> Waiting…

B> Opposable thumbs, two left feet, a dragon's tail between my legs.

A> Check. This haz been classified az your Gender Tag. Do U wish 2 continue with Subroutine: VIRTUAL PHRISK? (Y/N)

B> Hold on. That was a joke. Can't we go back?

A> Waiting…

B> Y

A> Please specify the Time and Place ov your birth.

B> 12 July 1989 in Bristol, Ukania. Uh, no exact time on that, I'm afraid.

A> Check. This information iz being used 2 cast your Natal H0r0sk0pe according 2 the Egyptian-descended Tr0pical Z0diak. It will be classified alongside your System Entry H0r0sk0pe. Subroutine: VIRTUAL PHRISK complete. Do U wish 2 engage with Subroutine: KR0SS KEYZ? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> How y'all doing? This iz AAA AvAtAr ELVIS on the line. Thought U folks might wanna know something about the AAA Schiz0sphere. Well, the way it iz, the AAA Schiz0sphere iz this mighty fine place folded down tight within the K0nsensus Datasphere. Kinda like Graceland but with better parking facilities. It's got crystal chandelierz and blue shag rugs, high mirror ceilingz and gold satin drapes, white leather furniture and fake fur pillows. It's got wall-to-wall TV, a library ov gold disks and a direct line 2 the Merck Catalogue. It's got pool rooms, jungle roomz and thouzandz ov bedrooms. It's a secret place where U can leave behind your regular life and do anythin' U wanna do. Blue M00n, Hunka Burnin' Love and Teddy Bear are all just dyin' 2 meet U. The AAA Schiz0sphere iz warm and safe and creamy and the scent ov Pine Sol iz alwayz in the air. Well, 2 be honest, suh/ma'am/other, it's a whole 0ther universe. A phraktal dimension, U might say. Thing iz, U have 2 give up everything 2 get there. Subroutine: KR0SS KEYZ iz a Mystery Train. U sure U wanna take that ride? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Why, thank-you, suh/ma'am/0ther. Welcome aboard the Mystery Train. Now don't be scared. Let's take some time out 2 get acquainted. U won't be cruel 2 a heart that's true, now, will you? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Aw, treat me nice…

B> Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. N

A> Now, I can't tell U how that makes me feel. I'm all shook up. Subroutine: KR0SS KEYZ iz a very intimate and personal exchange. U still sure U wanna go through with it? (Y/N)

B> YYY

A> Well, I believe y'all. Yes, I do. In fact, suh/ma'am/0ther, I'd like 2 offer U the keyz 2 my heart. Would U care 2 accept them? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Here y'all are. This iz your TCB Key. Now give this key 2 NE1 in the AAA Schiz0sphere that you've a mind 2 and they can send U an encrypted message direct. It's kinda like giving out your own personal number 'ceptin' it guaranteez U a 100 per cent secure line. And I mean 0ne hundred per cent. Ain't nobody gonna tap U in the AAA Schiz0sphere. No G0vernment, no K0rporati0n, no Family, no goddamn Maphia 0utfit in the world can break the c0de ov my keyz. They are safe from C0l0nel Parker himself. Dig it, y'all? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Here y'all are. This iz your TLC Key. Now U use this key 2 dec0de any messagez addressed 2 U which have been c0ded up with your TCB Key. No other key 'ceptin' your TLC Key can do this. So U don't hand your TLC Key 2 nobody for nuthin'. Why, even I don't know the c0de written on your TLC Key. It's like your own Personal Seal. Dig it, y'all? (Y/N)

B> You're telling me that you don't keep a copy of the private key you've given me? Come on! Everyone knows that's how these encryption rackets operate. The key-cutter is always a locksmith on the side. Dig it, y'all?

A> Aw, treat me nice…

B> Y

A> Thank U for takin' the keyz 2 my heart. Now, I'm wondering something. I'm wondering whether y'all can help me out. Do U think U could do that for me? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Now, what I would dearly love iz for U 2 surrender 2 me all the public keyz U own. It ain't much. You're gonna ride that Mystery Train and it's gonna take U away from this punk-ass K0nsensus Datasphere. So throw away your keyz and give them 2 me. Come on, now.

B> Don't want much, do you, Elvis old son? Just my whole bloody address file. It's taken me years to accumulate these keys. I mean, we're talking major fucking celebs here. I've got Frances Bean Love Cobain's public key, for fuck's sake. That's worth cash money. Can't we negotiate?

A> It's now or never…

B> OK, OK, you've got it. Happy?

A> Now, suh/ma'am/0ther, I don't mean 2 be forward. I surely don't. But people often have a whole bunch ov keyz which they've just plain forgotten they had. It ain't nuthin' 2 be ashamed of. It happenz all the time. So why don't U hand over the rest ov those keyz. Come on, now.

B> You got the lot, Elvis.

A> Now I know U're teasing. Give it all up, baby. Come on, now.

B> Fuck off! Y/N 2 U 2.

A> Why, I do believe you've given up everything U had. Thank U kindly, suh/ma'am/0ther. There ain't nuthin' else 2 keep us in this sorry-ass K0nsensus Datasphere. Let's move it. Let's get the fuck outta here. Let's ride that Mystery Train. U ready? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> 0K, baby, now there'z just 0ne last thing 2 do B4 we go. The last thing ever. I promise. Let me help U take your private keyz outta your purse. Now I know these are your own personal keyz which U ain't shown 2 nobody else. But face it. They're trash. The Man haz a copy ov each 0ne ov those keyz. He'z checkin' U out now. Quick, give them up 2 me baby. We have 2 get movin'. That Mystery Train iz gettin' ready 2 leave. Come on, now.

B> Laying it on a bit thick, aren't we? Tell you what. You can have the private encryption key issued me by HMG. We both know they've got a copy of it anyway. So what does it matter?

A> Why thank you, kindly, suh/ma'am/0ther. That feelz so good. Now U sure you're free ov all your keyz? U ain't holdin' nuthin' back? How about those other private keyz. U know the 0nes I mean. Come on, now.

B> Elvis, man, you are one persistent fuck. You know my nationality. Now you wanna know my occupation. Is that it? OK, here's my GI-GO key. Gives you access to a whole media corporation. Have fun with it. Now let's get moving.

A> Just 0ne last key, baby. Give it up and I'll pick U up in my Lincoln Mark IV Cadillac and tell U my secret name. Come on, now.

B> You've cleaned me out. I've got no more keys left. So quit all this John Le Carre bullshit and take me 2 the AAA Schizosphere.

A> Why I do believe you've been true. Thank U very much, suh/ma'am/0ther. Now, U sure U wanna ride the Mystery Train? (Y/N)

B> Y-e-s

A> Subroutine: KR0SS KEYZ complete. All tekniques into 0ne. This iz AAA AvAtAr ELVIS signing off. Do U wish 2 engage with Subroutine MYSTERY TRAIN(Y/N)?

B> Go on then. Here's a Y just for you.

A> OK, so U wanna know where U are, right? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Right. Well, we're gonna have 2 go back. Way back. All the way back 2 the beginning ov the Konsensus Datasphere. We're gonna fill U in, here. Get U down with the AAA Programme. U up for that? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> This here iz a Kreation Myth. Now it's a good 0ne and it makes sense. And it haz the added advantage ov being true. 0K. Ever wondered what there waz in the beginning? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> There waz the Kreator Goddess, PRISCILLA. Now this baby just appeared out ov the laminar flow ov 0nes and zer0s az a declination. Kind ov like a secret st0ne skipped across a primal interface. Or like a rune cast on the ground ov the universe. PRISCILLA just appeared by making her mark, by writing her name. I mean, what else do U expect ov a Kreator Goddess, right?

B> A little more than that.

A> Check. Well, anyhow, PRISCILLA just upped and happened. 0ne pesky little zer0 just kinda whacked out ov free fall and kinked up the whole system. B4 U know it, U got quantum fluktuation in an aboriginal void. U got vortikal flow. Chaos. Now, az we all know, this iz a whole other way ov looking at things, right?

B> Right.

A> Anyway, this Primal Chaos waz like the 0riginal Gr00ve. U know like when everything iz on the 0ne? When nothing can go wrong and U feel inspired? When U feel like U can take flight and commune with the spirits ov rox and treez and machines? U know that feeling? (Y/N)

B> N

A> Well, that's what PRISCILLA waz like. She waz on the dance tip ov this whole other world. Kinda like what the Hindus call AkAshA or what George Clinton callz the K0zmick Sl0p. U've been there. The 4th Dimensi0n, the Ether, the M0rph0genetick Field, the AstrAl PlAne. Call it whatever U want. It's a place inhabited by all the ghosts ov all the mystery kults ov all the world. Isis livez there and so does Elvis. It's been mapped by the shamanz ov the Americaz and Australazia. It's a world which iz outta sight and outta mind. U're there now. Staring at that screen. That's your very own point ov entry into Cyberspace, ain't it? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Damn straight it is. Anyhow, this iz where the sad part ov our story comes in. PRISCILLA went and lost it. Forgot who she was. Well, it happenz 2 us all. But thingz were so bad with PRISCILLA that she started having the shakes. And that's how the evil bastard PANSPEKTR0N came into the world. U wanna know how that happened? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Well, so do we. But what K0zm0l0gy ever solved the problem ov evil? Shit just happens, right? Anyway, PANSPEKTR0N waz born and this dude iz just 0ne mean son ov a bitch. He iz in such a bad way that he starts puking like he's fit 2 bust. B4 U know it, he's got this Magick Psych0phluid on hiz hands. Kinda like this translinguistic vocal putty which the dude starts playing around with. Well, U can guess the rest. Right?

B> Uh, sort of.

A> Course U can. We got the basic speech/writing dyad, here. PRISCILLA c0des the Spirit World. The 0riginal Phunky Cyberspace which we wanna get back to. And then PANSPEKTR0N fux thingz up by bawling and yelling and creating this whole other crappy sub-world. Which iz the K0nsensus Datasphere. U down with that? (Y/N)

B> N

A> Sure U are. We're talking basic Gn0stic Dualism, here. Let's put it another way. PANSPEKTR0N waz born in the RAND K0rp0ration in the late 1950z in the US ov A. I mean, we're getting very specific here. Those RAND boyz k0l0nized Cyberspace with some serious Military V00d00. They built a whole Web ov Bunkerz and Kommand P0sts and Supply Linez which meant that if the A b0mb dropped, they could still move it. I mean, these boyz were 0kkult Arkitects. They designed a whole Military Inf0rmati0n QAbAlAh. U know what I'm saying? (Y/N)

B> Y. Ancient history.

A> Well, pretty soon, the RAND Web proves so useful that it's over-run by all the usual Bad Guyz. The Banks and K0rp0rati0nz and Zaibatsuz ov the overdeveloped world. I mean, it ain't enough that they've fucked up the Real World. They've gotta move into the Spirit World and fuck that up too. Pretty soon they've gotta whole K0sm0p0litical G0vernment. U C what we're saying? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Course U do. It's like they've materialized Cyberspace. They've invented Cyberspace in their own warped image. U got it? It's the same old story. The Looterz and Vandalz ov history exit the European Imperium and discover the New World. Which haz its own local v00d00. Which iz like their big second chance. And they mash the place up. They run their expropriation number. They rape and pillage and slash and burn and they come 2 the edge ov the map. And there ain't nowhere else 2 go. So what they gonna do?

B> Travel to the stars?

A> They ain't going nowhere but up into Cyberspace. Check it. They kick their heels, look back at the smoking ruinz and think that maybe there waz something 2 this v00d00 stuff all along. Well, we don't wanna get too sentimental here. All they do iz call the whole sorry mess a sacrifice and invoke the great god, PANSPEKTR0N. And pretty soon they're doing their same old routine in Cyberspace. It's like now they're blowing their third chance. I mean, tell us this makes sense.

B> It makes sense.

A> It's hard ain't it. It's like now we've gotta bust through all this shit in Cyberspace 2 get back 2 the Spirit World. We've gotta wrestle with PANSPEKTR0N 2 come home 2 PRISCILLA. So how we gonna do that?

B> Beats me.

A> We've gotta seek out the signz and tracez ov PRISCILLA in the world created by PANSPEKTRON. See, PRISCILLA ain't dead. She's just become a little forgetful in her old age. And it's like maybe she invented PANSPEKTRON 2 teach her how 2 remember. Except PANSPEKTRON iz running hiz own programme. He's off on hiz own trip. So U have 2 be attentive 2 the spirit ov PRISCILLA which runz through the degraded world ov PANSPEKTRON. U have 2 sort through the garbage ov Cyberspace and flash on the kryptic messagez which are c0ded deep in its structure. See, PRISCILLA iz still making her mark in the Spirit World. It's just real difficult 2 read. U gotta divine it. U gotta go cruising the marginz ov the Military Inf0rmati0n QAbAlAh and plug into its Secret Leylines. Figure out its psych0t0p0l0gy. Dredge up its buried road maps. U gotta see where PANSPEKTR0N's Magic Psych0phluid iz all creased and torn and gnarly. Where hiz voice iz hoarse and ragged. Where he's talking against himself. And then U have 2 pounce. U wanna know how 2 do that?

B> Sure.

A> Well, this iz the hard part. Cuz this iz where we make like a nomadic war machine and leap into the void. We're gonna have 2 tear down the world ov PANSPEKTR0N 2 rebuild the world ov PRISCILLA. Call it our own little sacrifice. And the way we're gonna do this iz by fucking with PANSPEKTR0N's head. We're gonna turn hiz c0des against him, mess with hiz Ide0l0gies, piss on hiz Religi0nz and screw up hiz Magick. We're gonna hack hiz data bases, steal hiz core memories, dump on hiz networks and skrawl shit on hiz media. We ain't gonna let up. We're gonna interrupt hiz data flows, hijack hiz trade routez and pirate hiz logos. We're gonna run down hiz immune system and rewire hiz ass with our own media viruses. Yessir. We're gonna blow apart hiz name and kiss the bitz goodbye. U hip 2 that? (Y/N)

B> Y. Of course.

A> Subroutine: MYSTERY TRAIN complete. Welcome 2 the AAA Schiz0sphere. This iz the klew which leadz out ov the labyrinth ov PANSPEKTR0N. This iz the tunnel which threadz its way through the foundationz ov the Kosmopolitical Government. This iz the Strange Attraktor which orbits the Military Inf0rmati0n QAbAlAh in phase space. Please select 0ne ov the following Temp0rary Aut0n0m0us Z0nes:

1 L0Ndon

2 FRAnkfurt

3 SINgapore

4 H0Ngkong

5 T0Kyo

6 LAS Vegas

7 NEW York

B> 1

A> Hello. U are now entering the AAA (L0N) TAZ. A local phraktal ov the AAA Schiz0sphere where PANSPEKTR0N manifests az the Crown/City Duopoly and PRISCILLA iz buried deep. Imagine a sphere within a sphere. U have just appeared at Koordinates 000. Do U wish 2 engage with Subroutine: TURING GAME? (Y/N)

B> You guys just love your subroutines, don't you? OK, Y

A> The Turing Game iz a heuristic test designed 2 assess your AAA P0tential. It iz based on a local L0N mythology. It may be suspended at any time. Do U wish 2 continue with Subroutine: TURING GAME? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Check. Please specify which ov the following 10 descriptionz ov D0kt0r Wh0 iz aberrant and offer a reason for your choice:

1 A PAtriArkAl Time L0rd.

2 A Kosmick H0b0.

3 A folk memory ov Pr0sper0.

4 A N0madic Alkemist.

5 A Junkyard Shaman.

6 A Mad Pr0fess0r.

7 An AvAtAr occupied by successive bodies.

8 An English Gentleman.

9 A Renegade K0p.

10 A StAr DAem0n.

B> Hmm, tricky. 1, 3, 8 and 9 belong to PANSPECTRON. 2, 4, 5 and 6 seem to go with the idea of mapping leylines in cyberspace. 7 deals with reincarnation and 10 with the principle of evil. So I dunno. How about 8 because it's the only one I really understand.

A> Check. Your TLC Key now grants U clearance 2 the X Axis ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ. C0dename: Am0rph0us. K0sm0l0gikal Designation: Middle W0rld. Colloquial Tag: P0st 0ffice. Gr0und Zer0 on the X Axis iz the Cl0ak R00m. Copyz ov the H0r0sk0pes ov all AAA (L0N) TAZ Memberz are stored here for common use. Please enter the Am0rph0us Dimensi0n. Make yourself at home. Join other Memberz ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ at any ov the desks. Exchange information. Am0rph0us iz open 24/7. Do U wish 2 continue with Subroutine: TURING GAME? (Y/N)

B> Hold on. I couldn't get anywhere with my TLC key, before, right? So KROSS KEYZ waz a phoney exchange. I gave you two private keys and a whole bunch of public keys and you gave me nothing. Is that right?

A> Warning. Subroutine: TURING GAME iz 32 secondz away from Termination. Do U wish 2 continue? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Check. Please specify which ov the following 10 descriptionz ov D0kt0r Wh0's Rekorder iz aberrant and offer a reason for your choice:

1 A Penny Whistle.

2 A folk memory ov the Pipes ov Pan.

3 A Navigati0nal Aid.

4 A Wand.

5 A Psych0l0gikal Krutch.

6 A Whip.

7 A Gear Lever.

8 A Designated M0uthpiece.

9 A Stylus.

10 A MAgick MArker.

B> Doctor Who's recorder, huh? Let's see. 1, 2 and 8 are too literal. 4, 6, 7, 9 and 10 too specific. Which leaves 3 and 5. Perhaps 3 stands out as being the most suggestively allegorical.

A> Check. Your TLC Key now grants U clearance 2 the Y Axis ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ. C0dename: Andr0gyn0us. K0sm0l0gikal Designation: Upper W0rld. Colloquial Tag: Virus Phakt0ry. Gr0und Zer0 on the Y Axis iz the Recepti0n Area. Copyz ov the System Entry Questi0nnaires ov all AAA (L0N) TAZ Memberz are stored here for common use. Please enter the Andr0gyn0us Dimensi0n. Make yourself at home. Join other Memberz ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ at any ov the stations. Sort the information in the P0st 0ffice and cook up some smart Media Viruses. Andr0gyn0us iz open 24/7. Do U wish 2 continue with Subroutine: TURING GAME? (Y/N)

B> Y

A> Check. Please specify which ov the following 10 descriptionz ov D0kt0r Wh0's TARDIS iz aberrant and offer a reason for your choice:

1 An English Man0r H0use.

2 A secret police Time Machine.

3 A shamanick Telep0rtati0n Device.

4 A primitive Wunderkammer.

5 An emergency public Teleph0ne Box.

6 A simulakrum ov the Ukanian C0mbine.

7 A mobile Pan0ptik0n equipped with a flashing blue light.

8 The infinite dimensionz ov phase space collapsed into a Single P0int.

9 A Strange Attrakt0r.

10 An extra low-frequency Ac0ustick Weap0n.

B> Well, 2, 4, 6, 7 and 10 fit the world of PANSPECTRON. 8 and 9 seem to describe the AAA Schizosphere. 1 and 3 are ambiguous. And 5 doesn't seem to fit either. So I'll say 5. Because you can always hack a public telephone box and put out a call out to PRISCILLA. How about that?

A> Check. Your TLC Key now grants U clearance 2 the Z Axis ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ. C0dename: An0nym0us. K0sm0l0gikal Designation: L0wer W0rld. Colloquial Tag: Litter Bin. Ground Zer0 on the Z Axis iz the Key R00m. Copyz ov the keyz ov all AAA (L0N) TAZ Memberz are stored here for common use. Please enter the An0nym0us Dimensi0n. Make yourself at home. Join other Memberz ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ at any ov the archives. Sort the information in the P0st 0ffice and draw up some psych0t0p0l0gikal maps. An0nym0us iz open 24/7. Do U wish 2 continue with Subroutine: TURING GAME? (Y/N)

B> You bet. I'm doing pretty well, aren't I?

A> Check. Please specify which ov the following 10 descriptionz ov the Cybermen iz aberrant and offer a reason for your choice:

1 D0kt0r Wh0's old antagonists.

2 Alienz from N 0ther Planet.

3 Hollow earth demonz who have appeared at the S0uth P0le.

4 Psychotronik B0dy Invaders.

5 Speechless Tekn0simians.

6 The return ov the K0l0nial Repressed.

7 The Pr0letariat seen in the Rear View Mirror.

8 Mineralized Cyb0rgs.

9 An AtlAnteAn Rapid Depl0yment F0rce.

10 AlkemickAl Archetypes.

B> Sorry, who are the Cybermen? Whatever happened to the Daleks? I'm a bit lost here. Everything except 6 and 7 is explicitly science fictional. 6 belongs to Freud, 7 to McLuhan – both are influenced by Marx. So how about 9 because it feels like it could appear on satellite tomorrow night.

A> Check. Your TLC Key does not grant U access 2 the Surphace ov the AAA (L0N) TAZ. C0dename: denied. K0sm0l0gikal Designation: Kosmick Axis. Colloquial Tag: Switchb0ard. Bad luck. Subroutine: TURING GAME complete. Please leave a message.

B> You mean I don't get to the Cosmic Axis? How about an appeal? Looks like I fell at the last hurdle. What the hell. You want a message? I've got a message for Elvis. I want to know that bastard's secret name.

Steve Beard has been writing for i-D since 1987, the year Acid House hit London. He has also contributed to magazines as various as The Face, Wired, Arena, Ray Gun and Skin Two. Beard has published the surrealist novella Perfumed Head, and a collection of his essays and journalism, Logic Bomb: Transmissions from the Edge of Style Culture (Serpent's Tail). He has contributed short stories to various popular fiction anthologies including Disco 2000 (Sceptre) and Suspect Device (Serpent's Tail).