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LAST HOPE FOR THE NATION!

From Tom Longhorn, Austin, Texas.
Earlier this week, Texas Democrats, worried George W Bush might actually become our next President, held an emergency meeting at the Old LBJ Bunker, Driskill Hotel, Austin, Texas. The bar was packed out. There was a mood of electric urgency. Every remaining Democrat in central Texas was there and agreed on the spot that the spirit which won the Alamo must be immediately and rigorously reawakened.

During the following debate on strategy, some of our party argued there was nothing twelve Texas Rangers and a mean hound-dog couldn't accomplish with the advantage of surprise. A change of refreshment and venue clearly being called for, we ordered fifths of Geronimo's Chile Hill Country Real Cowboy Redeye and repaired to 'The Unbeaten Bigot'. Above the invigorating tones of local techno-rap we hammered out our plans until a disturbance broke out on stage. Several members of the legislature who had served vigorously in Vietnam until departing reluctantly in 1987 after running out of ammunition, were distracted from the cause by the immediate prospect of a good fist-fight with the bunch of tattooed, pierced and scalp-locked weirdoes who bore a suspicious resemblance to the Apache war party that wiped out Colonel Jimmy G's great grandpaw. Somebody in fact swore that was old Uncle Bubba's missing watch hanging from the lead guitarist's left nipple.

After this light-hearted interruption to our political discourse, we moved to the Pair of Chaps and threw all their Judy Garland records out of the juke box. We sang a few manly choruses of 'Are You Callin' Mah Yellow Rose Yaller', 'Momma Don't Want No Pinkos Mincin' Here', 'When I Narrer My Eyes You'd Better Be Packing Something Heavier Than Das Kapital, Pard' and Willie Nelson's 'Twenty Greatest Don't Mess With Texas Hits', before returning to business.

Plainly life in America will become an eternal rerun of Dynasty unless we take matters into our own hands. What's more, Texas should be allowed to pursue her manifest destiny unfettered by the socialist tyranny of Federal Government.

It's a little late in the game, of course. How can we still thwart Bush from achieving the presidency? How can we save Texas while also helping our cousins of the threatened sub-continent?

Like most revolutionaries we've reached a reluctant conclusion. Since surrounding counties have now stopped letting us register each chicken individually, there aren't enough of us, alive or dead, to achieve our ends as a single party. Alliances must be sought. We need a large, independent voting block whose self-interest will be served by uniting with us. Together we would build a great civil movement to serve the cause of liberty.

Of course, we only have a couple of weeks to do it in. Harsh realism forces us to the only obvious conclusion: We've decided to approach the Republic of Texas movement and suggest a strategic alliance. This is the optimum moment to strike for independence. The blow will be in their interest, Texas's interest, the interest of the Democrat Party and therefore of the entire free world.

Of course, it's our only hope. Call it a last-ditch thrust to save our hard-won liberty, a foolish refusal to face cold facts - but I'd remind my fellow citizens that American (and Texan) history is full of such moments. We should never forget that, but for Tom Paine's eloquence at Valley Forge, today we might all be Canadians.

This is probably the last time in history Yankees will enthusiastically support our State's constitutional right to leave the Union. The advantages will be immediately apparent in Boston and Albany. Every freedom-loving citizen will support this bid for Texan independence. Many Republicans, witnessing their great party tainted by the rhetoric and posturing of populist democracy, will be deeply relieved to see the back of us, compassionate bigotry, twanging dobros, flashing six-guns, positive pollution, yaller dogs and all.

The bonuses are clear. Other States will no longer have to explain to visitors that 'Texas is another country'. US education, prison and health statistics will improve dramatically. Texas business interests would seize an opportunity to create a society where not only did they pay no taxes, but the State could openly pay them bonuses from public funds, thus putting the business of the legislature into the fast track and reducing government. All supporters of the liberal market will welcome a Free Economic Territory situated between the USA and Mexico where business could flourish unfettered by petty Federal regulations.

Texas, already having a larger economy than most nation states, would be free to make profitable alliances with Europe and the South Pacific without tiresome obligations to the Banana Brotherhood or any other large donor to US political party funds.

But of course the real advantage is crystal clear, especially to the Democrats: If Texas becomes an independent Republic, neither George W Bush nor Dick Cheyney will be eligible for office. They'll be foreign nationals. You have to be a US citizen to stand for President. It's that simple.

And equally US citizens couldn't vote for Bush if they wanted to. Any vote would be automatically anulled. Gore would win by default, which would mirror the enthusiasm of his supporters. So we've still got a chance, America. Let's hear it for Democracy, Democrats and a free Texan Republic! And let's hear it quick. You know in your hearts it makes sense. You have about a week left. Support Texan Independence Now. Wake Up, America! Save Our Liberty! Wake Up, Texas! Remember the Alamo? •

Tom Longhorn is writing a book about Paine's Presidency. If you like Tom's work, you may like that of his old friend Michael Moorcock.

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